I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she looked like the before picture.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
