im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
