i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
