Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
