I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
