saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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