I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
