Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
