Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
