Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
