you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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