you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
