My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
