Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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