It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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