you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
