Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
