I think I won the penis lottery.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize