There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
