I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
