Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
