fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
