I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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