fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
