is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
