i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
