PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
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