Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
