Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize