I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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