im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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