Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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