Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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