My liver just broke up with me...
Buhtt sex?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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