Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
