I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
