This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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