Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You may now shotgun with the bride
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Randomize
