I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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