On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
