Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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