Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
