i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
