omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
