next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize