Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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