dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
