Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
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