can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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