My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
