Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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