What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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