woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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