like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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