Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
