two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
