alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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