im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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