life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
