Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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